i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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