Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
