I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it's like iHOP with fire
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
