quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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