Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
