oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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