Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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