Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
