I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found puke in my bra..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
