I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
