just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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