I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
