I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
