All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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