Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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