R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
