Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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