I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
