there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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