Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
