I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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