when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am midnight drunk by noon
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
