I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
