is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
