2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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