Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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