And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
