I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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