Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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