He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
