Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
