Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
