i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
