I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
