I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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