I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
