We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize