i always forget guys have bellybuttons
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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