Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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