i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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