I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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