Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's get the cat blown out
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