New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
