Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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