plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
