i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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