I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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