Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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