I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
