An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
