These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just found puke in my bra..
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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