I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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