i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
