Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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