I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
