Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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