you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We left the knife in your bed.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
