Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
