I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
