get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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