Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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