They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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