I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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