the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
