she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
