it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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