this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
