I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
