My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize