dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
