Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
third nipple confirmed
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
