life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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