I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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