I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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