Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
pop tarts are not kleenex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
