He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
