I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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